Well, good news and bad news. While I did not lose any weight this week, I did manage to get all my steps in per day. Other bad news is I failed miserably at keeping my food log. I know it’s important and I will try harder at it this week. My shoulder has been really bothering me this week. I can’t lift my arm up all the way. I know I need to go to the doctor but I continue to put it off.

Today was my sisters birthday. She would of been 58. I still can’t believe she is gone. I’ve been having a lot of vivid dreams lately about things that happened in my childhood. And in these dreams are all the family who have passed away. Not sure what to make of it except maybe I’m just missing my family. I’m trying to get through this depression and move forward. I know she would want me to. And I know she would be furious about my weight and be worried sick about me.

Well here’s to a better week!

Testing…Not sure what happened to my original blog after I published it.  It disappeared and is now on some other page….why?  I have no idea.  Just trying to write and publish.    Anyway, I lost a little over two pounds this last week.   I did get in 4000 steps each day except for one of the days.  My goal this week it to get in 4500 each day.  I will try and figure out what happened to my original post.  I was long…and more detailed.  Annoyed, I am.

What did I do differently this past week? Well, on most days I kept track of my food in My Fitness Pal. And I tried to get in more water and more steps. Probably only got in 3000 steps per day though. I used to be able to do double that. Now I am just struggling walking 10 minutes without having to sit down because my back hurts so bad!

Today I weighed in at 340.2. That’s about 5 pounds. Pretty sure it’s a lot of water weight since both of my feet were swollen really bad last week. But I will take it. Baby steps.

I’m training a new person to become a manager for me and hopefully end up being a GM. I’ve tried this several times already, and it just never worked out for various reason. I’m praying this one works out! This is going in baby steps as well. I desperately want to step down from the restaurant and just be the “owner” and have someone else in charge of everything else. Again, baby steps.

This coming up week I want to focus on keeping better track of all my food intake. AND get up to 4000 steps a day. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but for me it’s work. Here’s hoping for a good week! 😄

What the hell has happened this year? The world has gone mad…..and I’m just along for the ride. Lets start back to January…..January was a good month. Jim and I went on another cruise. It was nice. Had a balcony for the first time. That was awesome! Then I decided it would be a good idea to challenge my brother in law, Bob, to a weight loss challenge. Each of us having to lose 70lbs by the end of October. We both weighed in….back in January….I was 321 I think. Didn’t really take it seriously since I thought I had plentyyyyy of time. Then, in February, my cousin and I went on a cruise to celebrate our 50th birthdays. We both just turned the big 5-0 back in December and September in 2019. This was the beginning of the pandemic….well, sort of….When we were boarding, we were asked if we have been to China or anywhere outside the US. That was the only thing they asked. No temps were taken and we were not even asked if we have been sick or felt sick recently. So we boarded….and despite some initial issues with our room, got another balcony, we had a great time. It was fun watching her enjoy her first cruise. We were on the Carnival Liberty, and I had already been on that one, so I could give her the tour. So we had a great week, got off the boat on February 14th….drove home…and got ready for Nathan to come home to celebrate his birthday. My Valentine baby turned 20. That night, I started with some weird cough….but just ignored it since it wasn’t really bothering me that much. HOWEVER, the next morning I woke up with a 104 fever and felt like I was going to die. The night before I was fine….how the hell did I get so sick in a matter of hours? It was awful. I was out for a week…finally went to the doctor….was tested for the flu…that came back negative but she said all my symptoms were very flu like, so I am probably on the tail end of it. Looking back, I’m seriously thinking I may of had the freaking virus. Who knows. I did pass it along to Jacob and Nathan. They were not happy with me. Tonya, my cousin, never did get sick. So, I can’t blame the boat….or can I? Idk.

Now lets move onto March….this is where the shit show really starts. I own a restaurant. SOOOOO…now we have the Coronavirus really taking on a new level and shutting down the world. Well, I would say mid March, our governor basically shut down Florida. We were not allowed to have any customers dine in. At that point, we were allowed to use delivery services, which we had two at the time, Doordash and Bitesquad. But my sales seriously plummeted. People were afraid to leave the house. Except to get toilet paper of course. Never in my life have I seen store shelves so empty….and mind you…I live in Florida, so when a hurricane is coming, the shelves go kinda empty, especially the water. But this was on a whole new level. At that time, masks were not mandatory yet. But people were wearing them. I was so stressed….worried about the restaurant….my staff, my family, EVERYTHING. This was a new level of stress. Of course, what do I do when I’m stressed….I eat. Anything and everything in sight, in my mouth it would go. I will worry about the stupid diet and bet with Bob later. The restaurant took a beating in March…..I changed my hours to stay open only til 7, had to cut labor drastically. I told my staff if they were not comfortable coming in, please don’t….stay home. Everything was uncertain at the time. I had a few employees who did not want to come in….one because she had a kid (but she used that kid for every excuse in the books anyway), and another because she had asthma, and a few whose parents wouldn’t let them work. Speaking of my younger staff, I felt so bad for all my seniors this year….no prom, no real graduation. What an awful way to end your senior year.

This year just keeps getting better……our Alaskan cruise was cancelled in May. I was really looking forward to that one. Florida was reopening in phases. We were allowed to open at 25%. Then masks became mandatory. And now I have to be the mask police. Speaking of police……yes, black lives matter…. and then we had to shut down the restaurant for a day due to protests in the area….. crazyyyyy world.

The year anniversary of my brothers and sisters death came in July and August. This is still weighing heavy on my heart. More on that later. Jim and I celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary on September 2nd. We decided we needed to get away. So we booked a trip to Treasure Island for a few days. I’m paying the price now though with a severe sunburn. Yes, I used sunscreen. 100 spf. But I guess I didn’t reapply as often as I should’ve. I enjoy being in the water. It was warm and clear. The beach was fairly empty so it was nice. Yes, my big fat ass wore a bathing suit. Again, I love the water. I am at the heaviest I have ever been in my life. Weighed myself this morning. A big whopping 346. Like how the fuck did that happen. No wonder I can’t walk for more than 10 minutes without being winded. My body physically hurts. I’m disappointed and disgusted in myself. I’m so far deep in a hole, how will I climb out? I need someone to pull me out.

Ahhh, this all seems familiar! I can’t believe I am writing about week one again. I know I need to forgive myself and just move on with it. But I hate stepping on the scale and seeing those numbers again. I was supposed to be 100lbs thinner by now. I put in a lot of work those first few months last year. I was actually successful. If only I didn’t love food so much. Why do I love it more than alcohol? Or Smoking? Or some type of drug? Food is my drug of choice. And I’m killing myself every time I make a bad unhealthy choice. Hey, I love freaking salads. But they don’t love me! For whatever reason they kill my stomach/digestive system and I’m in the bathroom the rest of the day. I actually do love healthy food….I just overeat most of it.

The number today was ok. 315.8. My water intake is lacking. I maybe get 2 water bottles in a day. And my exercise is severely lacking. Almost at nothing. Just the walking I do at work. But I’ve been hiding in the office mostly and don’t get out and chitchat much with customers lately. I usually make someone else go do it. Although that’s part of their job anyway. But for some reason customers like it when owners come out to talk to them. But I just haven’t been in a social mood for months now. That’s the depression I’m sure.

Next week at this time I will be sound asleep in a hotel in Ft. Lauderdale and hopping on a cruise the following morning. This time Jim and I will be sailing on the Carnival Sunrise from Thursday morning to super early Monday Morning. We have Faster to the Fun so we get to get on board early. We have a balcony again. Looking forward to it. Jim and I have been on several cruises. We have discovered it’s something we really enjoy doing together. My first cruise experience was way back in 1986. My sister had me join her and her husband on a cruise on the Carnival Jubilee. It was right after Christmas and it was during New Years Eve. First, our flight was delayed because of snow. We were traveling from Ohio to Miami Florida. I remember my sister on the phone trying to get a hold of the cruise line to beg them to not leave without us. I think it was set to sail at 4pm. We eventually made it to Miami, got on the boat probably 7PM. And we had NO luggage. Our airlines lost our luggage. So to make due we had to buy items from the shops on board. This was a seven day cruise and I think our luggage finally arrived on day 4 at one of the ports we stopped in. We weren’t the only ones without luggage. There was a bunch of us! I do remember having fun despite all that.

My second cruise was a family cruise with Jim’s side of the family. Jim has three older brothers. Well two of the three brothers, along with wives, kids, and Jim’s mom and her friend all went on this cruise back in 2000. It was a 4 day adventure at Disney World and 3 Days aboard Disney Wonder. There was a total of 14 of us! It was a lot of fun. We did not take Nathan, as he was only 5 months old. He stayed with my sister for a week. He is still mad about that to this day…… seriously!

Then in 2016, Jim surprised me with a cruise to Cozumel for our anniversary. We went on it in November of 2016. Carnival Paradise. Just 16 years since our last one. We had so much fun on that one. The live shows, comedy shows, food, bingo, naps, relaxing in the adult lounge. So much fun!

The following November (2017) we took the whole family. Carnival Paradise again. So myself, Jim, my three sons and daughter-in-law! That was a lot of fun as well. But Jim and I did feel we had to keep checking on all of them to make sure they were having fun. We all had rooms right next to each other. The rooms were actually pretty noisy, as it turned out, we were directly under the galley(the big kitchen)…… so I had just mentioned something about it to customer service and we all ended up getting vouchers to use around the boat. Still, I would of liked a quieter room.

The following year, December 2018, Jim and I went on another cruise on the Carnival Liberty! It was a very short cruise, I think just 3 days. We enjoyed the boat, it was very nice. Had an ocean view on that one. But we both agreed, it was too short.

2019 we had several cruises planned. We were supposed to go on one in September but I was really sick and we ended up not going. Luckily we purchase travel insurance and with my doctors note, we were able to get our money back. That cruise we originally were supposed to go to Cuba and Turks and Caicos. Cuba was cancelled months before we were supposed to go because of Trump and banning cruises from going to Cuba. But oh well, I ended up being sick that week….pretty sure I was emotionally and physically drained from all the traveling back and forth to Ohio for funerals and it just weakened my immune system.

Jim and I went on the Carnival Victory in November and this was our first balcony cruise. We left from the port of Miami. Beautiful port. We traveled to Key West first then to Cozumel again. We had a nice time and met some very nice people at our dinner table. The boat is an older boat, the decor was interesting. But that’s ok….. I just love being in the middle of the ocean…..I love the slight rocking of the boat when I’m in bed.

The next one we go on will be the Carnival Sunrise. This one has been remodeled and we watched some you tube videos and it looks really nice. We also have open dining for this one, so I guess we sit with different people every night. All of our other ones we had early dining so this will be different. But I’m excited about my balcony again!

I must do better at journaling in My Fitness Pal. That’s my goal this week!

Til next time…….

Another years comes to an end. 2019 started pretty decent for me but ended in heartbreak and tragedy. It’s always difficult losing someone you love, but losing several family members within a year really put me over the edge to say the least. And I gained all the weight that I lost plus an extra pound back by the end of the year. I always knew I was an emotional eater but I really went way overboard. At the time I just didn’t care. Which leaves me starting the new year at 321:8. This is basically where I started this time last year. I did manage to lose 40lbs by July 2019. Looking back, I’m so mad at myself right now but I also know I was severely depressed and just didn’t give a crap! So here I go, starting all over again! But why did I gain it all back? And in such a short amount of time. Let me try to explain.

In November of 2018, my nephew, Keith, (my brothers middle child) passed away suddenly. It appears to have been an overdose but I still don’t know to this day if that’s exactly what the cause was. He was into some sort of drugs, not exactly sure which one(s). He was 28 years old. His mom found him in his room laying on the floor. I can’t even imagine finding my child this way and not being able to do anything to help. This was clearly shocking for all of us. Keith was a kind and loving soul. Always happy to see you, hug you, and just talk to you. And he always said I love you. Drug addiction is such a difficult disease to overcome. He left this earth all too soon and is deeply missed.

Then in May of 2019 my brother, Steve, was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. The prognosis was not good. He was in a lot of pain. He did manage to finish radiation but before chemo was to start he was basically told the radiation did nothing and he was going to be sent home on hospice. I was thinking I might have time to go visit him beginning of June and was making those plans. I’m originally from Ohio and that is where all my family still resides. However, he came home on hospice for one day, and passed away the next day. We were all shocked that it went down that way. I had just talked to him on the phone the morning before. He was talking like he normally would to me. Being all matter of fact and asking me to make sure Michelle was taken care of. Michelle, my sister in law. So not only did Michelle lose her son, but now, the man she had been with for almost 30 years has passed away too. In the same house. Just insane and hard to fathom. Steve and Michelle have legal custody over their two grandkids. So they were basically raising another family which is even more added stress. My sister and I helped plan the Celebration of Life at their home. It was very nice. Just a BBQ and very casual the way Steve would have wanted it. Steve and I were not very close over many years, in fact I hadn’t seen him in person for over 10 years. We did talk on the phone on occasion but I really talked to Michelle more than him. Still, losing a sibling has been very difficult.

About a week after this, my youngest son, Nathan, left for basic training in the Air Force. We are really close so this too was very difficult and emotional for me. Not seeing or talking to him everyday was hard. Of course I worried about him too. We only got to talk on the phone maybe three times in the 8 weeks he was gone and it was limited to 2-4 minutes per time. During the time he was away I had my brothers two grandkids come stay with me for about 2 weeks. I was planning on bringing them down before my brother passed away, just to give Michelle time just to focus on my brother. Since he passed away I decided to go ahead and take them anyway to give Michelle time to grieve and do stuff she needed to do without kids to take care of. That was a little hectic with them here. Guess I’m not used to entertain an 11 and 8 year old all day long plus deal with work and childish employee problems there. Stress was building. Anyway, after flying back to Ohio with the kids, I was able to stay with my sister for a few days. She had just moved into a condo, she had downsized from a huge farm house with lots of land to a two bedroom stand alone condo in a neighborhood. We had a great couple of days together. This was the beginning of August. We had a serious discussion about what we wanted to happen with us after we passed away. She is 7 years older than me. And my brother is 3 years older and I’m the baby.

My husband, me, my other two sons and daughter-in-law traveled to San Antonio August 16 to see my son Graduate from basic training. I was so excited to see him. It was wonderful. I was very happy. He graduated on a Friday and we stayed through the weekend touring around San Antonio. Which was beautiful and so much fun. And then tragedy strikes again. Late Saturday night/ early Sunday morning I get a call from my brother in law telling me my sister was in a car accident and she didn’t make it. My heart stopped. I couldn’t breath. This can’t be true. I was numb for quite awhile after this. I actually still can’t believe it to this day. It’s crazy to me. My sister and I were close. She always had my back. Yes, she was annoying at times but that’s siblings for you. She left behind a husband of 35 years and four daughters. They are all adults now, the youngest in college but I can understand what they are feeling and grieving. I lost my mom when I was 20. This has been a crazy, heartbreaking year. I still can’t believe I will never talk to her again.

Onto the new year. The emotional stress eating is out of control. I need to take back my life and focus on me. My husband and I have plans for this year to help with the stress. Like downsizing our house. Selling the restaurant. Living a simpler life. And trying to just be happy. I need to loose this weight I need order to do the things I want, go on cruises. We have a few planned this year already. I don’t want to sit on the sidelines. I want to enjoy life. You never know when your last day on earth will be. This past year really drives that point home to me.

• 

Somehow over the past couple of days I have decided to ignore my diet and put on 2 pounds. I totally ignored everything I knew I would regret later. I would like to blame it on the people I was with, but really, nobody forced anything down my mouth! I choose to eat. And eat I did! Yesterday I beat myself up…. and then got back on track. I have a weigh in with the doctor next week🥴. I know she will be happy if I lose just 5 lbs. But I want a bigger loss on that scale! Onward…. I know I can do this! Just time to refocus on my goals! I did have a great Mother’s Day on Sunday with my family. I am blessed.

So, it’s May 8th and I did weigh myself this morning. I was at 290.0. Soooo close to getting in the 280’s. Shouldn’t be excited about that, but I am!

For the past couple of days I was visiting my bff who has a vacation home in Naples, Florida. We have been friends since the 4th grade! We were thrown into a play together. I was the good witch and she was the bad witch. That’s pretty much all I remember about it😂. Anyway, we have been through our ups and downs, and we drifted apart here and there throughout the years. But we have remained friends through all these years. We went to the beach twice. It was wonderful. I have not been IN the ocean since the year 2000. I went to the beach a lot through the years but always wore shorts and t-shirts, and never got in the water. I was always paranoid about what I looked like and what people would think of me. I have come to the realization that I need to enjoy life NOW. I wore a bathing suit, and got in the water. It was warm, wavy, salty, and so enjoyable. I’m so glad I did it! It’s always good to get away and just be goofy, laugh and relax.

Tried to stick to somewhat of a diet with her. And we did some walking at night around her neighborhood. I did read that jumping waves in the ocean does burn calories. We did a lot of that too. 😂

I haven’t been that great at taking my diet pill. By the time I remember to take it, it’s kinda late in the afternoon and I don’t like taking it that late. I think it’s keeping me up at night. My brain won’t shut off.

I’m still using my fitness pal and still trying to get my steps in! I’m working at it. Slower than I would like but happy I’m progressing in the right direction!😁

Wow! It’s been awhile. So I have learned that I pretty much suck at blogging and kinda suck at dieting. It’s been such a slow process. I thought I would be down a lot more than what I currently am. I weighed myself this morning and it was 297.8. So on January 1st I was 320.8. I have lost a total of 23 pounds. I was really hoping I would be down 40 lbs by now. But I guess I should be happy I’m in the upper 200’s.

I have been keeping track of my food with My Fitness Pal and upped my steps to 6000 a day. Some days I get to 7000. I’m trying to increase this amount but it’s hard when my hips and feet hurt. Hoping the more I lose the easier walking to my goal number will be.

One thing that is different is I have asked my doctor to put me on a prescription diet pill. I was on it about 8 years ago and lost about 50 pounds in 5-6 months. The doctor at that time did not want me to stay on it due to it increases my blood pressure. And I already have high blood pressure. My new doctor is monitoring it carefully. I have to go in monthly for weight checks/blood pressure check. I have to keep losing to stay on it. My next appointment is April 16th.

I’m going to keep on trucking…. keep on moving forward. And trying to keep positive.

Til next time!!❣️

As I sit here at almost 1:30am on a Monday night, I am thinking about all the craziness from this past week.  We all have been sick in the Payne household, passing it back and forth to each other.  Two visits to urgent care and one visit to the Emergency Room, I think we might be on the mend.  We still had to go to work and to meetings but we came home and ate and slept.  I did not get my steps in this past week.  I didn’t even bother wearing my FITBIT.  If I was not needed up front with customers I was sitting in my office hanging on until it was time to clock out.  But of course being sick did not stop me from eating.  Usually when one is sick they generally lose weight from lack of appetite.  Of course, I gained two pounds this past week.  I also ignored My Fitness Pal and logged NOTHING.  Shame on me.  

I cant believe we are more than halfway through this month.  I really need to focus.  And start actually giving my reasons for really wanting to finally get rid of this weight.  That is the name of this blog.  Two Hundred Reasons.  First I really do want to lose 200lbs.  But what are my reasons to get rid of this once and for all.  Well….Here is my first reason…..

I think once I start losing the weight, I’m sure I will feel better physically and have more energy to get through the day without having to take a nap or two.  So feeling better physically should be a good motivation.

I am really hoping this week goes better for me!  I am feeling better so I have no excuse not to get my steps in.  I have my FITBIT charging now so I can wear it to work tomorrow.  Here’s to a good week!!!

1. T

I have been crazy busy over the last few days, on top of that I have been sick. Kinda hard to work while sick but I don’t have a choice. I did weigh myself today. I’m at 314.6 which means I only lost 2.6 pounds this past week. I was hoping for more but as long as it’s going in the right direction I can’t complain! I have not been walking as much due to feeling blah. I’m praying this passes soon! I feel like I am slacking with my blog and my fitness pal already and it’s only halfway through January!! Well, here’s to a better week ahead!!

I’m a little behind. It’s been a stressful last two days with work. On Wednesday I did go a little above my calorie goal, according to My Fitness Pal….but I did get my steps in. I can’t even remember what I ate that day. Its 9 in the morning and I’m at work again. We had to switch over from Pepsi to Coke products and I was here late last night while the workers were here and had to be back at 7am to let the ice machine guy back in to put the ice machine back on the new unit. However, the coke people didn’t even finish the job and I had to find a plumber to come out and add some more pipes to fit in the drain or else I would not of even been able to have drinks for customers today…..of course I would of went and bought a crap load of two liters….but still….I’m a little aggravated with the Coke crew for not finishing the job properly.

Yesterday I had my normal breakfast….and a balance break snack for lunch but for dinner I had chicken tenders and fries from the restaurant here. Why? I was hungry. Could I of had a healthier option? Yes…I could of had a grilled chicken. I was stressing when I got home around 2am and poured myself a bowl of Cheez Its and Lays Popables….ate a few bites and of course my youngest son pops out of nowhere and says”You don’t need those” and takes the bowl from me. And this time I didn’t fight him. I was like whatever, I wasn’t hungry, just stressed out…Then I went to bed. I did get my steps in though yesterday.

Its still early and I have not had anything to eat yet but I am drinking a Diet Coke at the moment. I’m more than likely going to go home around 11 and crash for the day…….I’m exhausted. Thats the plan anyway but who knows what will happen today……

I am also a little disappointed in My Fitness Pal. Lately it can’t find food….even the simplest of food, like carrots, it keeps saying its in an Offline Mode which is aggravating. I really rely on that to help me keep track of things…I have seen online a lot of people are having this issue and I hope they get it fixed soon!!!

Breakfast: jimmy deans turkey sausage bowl. And a dannon Greek strawberry yogurt

Lunch: Adkins bar

Dinner. Gluten free chicken, broccoli and cheese pie

Snacks: veggie chips

I got my 4 bottles of water in and 1 Diet Coke.

Activity: got 5500 plus steps in and 50 squats!

Today was a stressful day at the restaurant but I did not turn to food today!! I will pat myself on the back for that!